Verbally Abusive

I have been inspired to write again. Ironically this inspiration comes from people’s inability to tell a compelling story. I have grown tired of the endless prattle that builds up to an anti-climactic anecdote that has no humor or bearing on my life. It is because of this mind numbing frustration that I wish to lay down some ground rules for story telling.

1) You do not need to explain every aspect of a situation. I don’t need the reason you got a ride from point A to point B if it has no bearing on the rest of the story. Example: “Jim gave me a ride to the mall because my car was in the shop because I blew out a tire because I hit something on the highway while I was going to work.” I do not need to know that if the story is about what happened after you got to the mall. I only have so much room for memory and attention and this just edged out some of my more applicable knowledge.

2) Do not list the names of everyone at a specific event unless it is relevant to the story or if I know them. If something funny happened to Jim while you were with a group of people then my only interest is in Jim, you, and anyone who may have influenced the situation. “So Jim, Dave, Sarah, Jenny, Henry, Allison, and I were all at the table and the waiter spilled soup on Jim.” I don’t care about those other people unless they were spilled on or they tripped the waiter. We are going to spend most of your story describing each person and their relation to you and whether I have met them or not. (FYI: Unless someone makes an impact on me, I will not remember them therefore “Oh he was at that party we went to.” will not suffice to log that person into my memory)

3) Don’t digress from the main topic. Nothing bugs me more than being in the middle of the story and the storyteller says “That’s reminds me…” then focuses their attention on some random thought that has nothing to do with me or the story. Our attention spans have dwindled over the years so we need to be concise and stay on topic in order to properly convey our thoughts and emotions.

4) Keep it short and sweet. Unless you are a master of crafting vivid images and empathy, stay on bullet points. Information, like ingredients in cooking, needs to be measured and dished out to provide the best food for thought. Too much of one thing or not enough of the other will result in a sub-par dining experience.

5) Finally, and this is most crucial, please have a point. Don’t tell a story for stories sake. Have a climax, pearl of wisdom, cunning joke, anything to wrap up the experience. I can’t count how many times someone has carried on with a story long past its high point. I assume a lot of those story tellers just like to be the center of attention but lack the verbal dexterity to do so efficiently. Instead of making your stories long and drawl, refine the stories you have so you can continuously have relevant and interesting things to discuss.

I may be speaking from frustration, annoyance, or just plain self-centeredness but remember, story telling is for the people listening, not your own ego. You need to put yourself in their shoes and realize that they are selfish and want entertainment not purgatory. If you keep these guidelines in mind I think you will find people won’t listen to you for 5 minutes then break eye contact and walk out of the room…

And if them leaving doesn’t stop you from talking, you have a whole other set of issues to deal with.