Clean up in aisle 5

Well it has been over three months since I last posted and I realized I should be flexing my brain so it doesn't atrophy. Due to my recent experiences as a dog walker and kayak instructor I decided to have a light hearted return to the Inter-web. I humbly present: 5 things I love about grocery shopping.

1) Riding the cart back to the car - I realize its childish and ridiculous to watch but I still love getting a little momentum going and cruising through the parking lot. I'm not sure if it takes me back to carefree days as a child or that bombing between cars at 3 miles per hour somehow stimulates my adrenal gland. Either way, it puts a big smile on my face.

2) Watching the total drop after swiping my club card - Just like playing Skee Ball in an old arcade, watching numbers jump around on a screen due to your actions is exciting. After my total is done dropping I always have to fight the urge to seek out a high five from the cashier or seek recognition from the other people in line. So with a smirk and a sideways glance, I magnanimously head towards the exit.

3) Looking for an item at the same time as another person - Are they more of an expert? Do they know which product is better? Are the judging me on my decisions? You will never find a more in-depth person watching event than the purchase decision. You are riddled with questions if they choose another item than the one you do and you feel a connection if they choose the same.

4) Discounts! - Enough said

5) The post-shopping gorge - I realize this isn't exactly "at" the store but it is a result. No matter how many times I buy food I always end up eating twice my body weight once I get it in the fridge. I just take the idea of "If you have it, flaunt it." and apply it to food. Unfortunately flaunting food means an extra inch or two on the waist line.

Not my best post but give me a chance to stretch out my creativity. I'd blame it on the typical excuses; stress, work...something. but I can't say I have any of those issues at the moment. Therefore I should probably write more posts savvy?

Verbally Abusive

I have been inspired to write again. Ironically this inspiration comes from people’s inability to tell a compelling story. I have grown tired of the endless prattle that builds up to an anti-climactic anecdote that has no humor or bearing on my life. It is because of this mind numbing frustration that I wish to lay down some ground rules for story telling.

1) You do not need to explain every aspect of a situation. I don’t need the reason you got a ride from point A to point B if it has no bearing on the rest of the story. Example: “Jim gave me a ride to the mall because my car was in the shop because I blew out a tire because I hit something on the highway while I was going to work.” I do not need to know that if the story is about what happened after you got to the mall. I only have so much room for memory and attention and this just edged out some of my more applicable knowledge.

2) Do not list the names of everyone at a specific event unless it is relevant to the story or if I know them. If something funny happened to Jim while you were with a group of people then my only interest is in Jim, you, and anyone who may have influenced the situation. “So Jim, Dave, Sarah, Jenny, Henry, Allison, and I were all at the table and the waiter spilled soup on Jim.” I don’t care about those other people unless they were spilled on or they tripped the waiter. We are going to spend most of your story describing each person and their relation to you and whether I have met them or not. (FYI: Unless someone makes an impact on me, I will not remember them therefore “Oh he was at that party we went to.” will not suffice to log that person into my memory)

3) Don’t digress from the main topic. Nothing bugs me more than being in the middle of the story and the storyteller says “That’s reminds me…” then focuses their attention on some random thought that has nothing to do with me or the story. Our attention spans have dwindled over the years so we need to be concise and stay on topic in order to properly convey our thoughts and emotions.

4) Keep it short and sweet. Unless you are a master of crafting vivid images and empathy, stay on bullet points. Information, like ingredients in cooking, needs to be measured and dished out to provide the best food for thought. Too much of one thing or not enough of the other will result in a sub-par dining experience.

5) Finally, and this is most crucial, please have a point. Don’t tell a story for stories sake. Have a climax, pearl of wisdom, cunning joke, anything to wrap up the experience. I can’t count how many times someone has carried on with a story long past its high point. I assume a lot of those story tellers just like to be the center of attention but lack the verbal dexterity to do so efficiently. Instead of making your stories long and drawl, refine the stories you have so you can continuously have relevant and interesting things to discuss.

I may be speaking from frustration, annoyance, or just plain self-centeredness but remember, story telling is for the people listening, not your own ego. You need to put yourself in their shoes and realize that they are selfish and want entertainment not purgatory. If you keep these guidelines in mind I think you will find people won’t listen to you for 5 minutes then break eye contact and walk out of the room…

And if them leaving doesn’t stop you from talking, you have a whole other set of issues to deal with.

The morning drive

Driving to work has become a waking dream. I shift between lanes without thinking, anticipating the quickest path as though I were high above the experience. Then it happens. A rogue car decides to upset my careful balance and shift three lanes with no turn signal! No sooner had my rage swelled to a tsunami of curses that I had an epiphany. They weren't being idiotic, they were simply ignoring the social standard.
My fury melted away and was replaced by curiosity. Not a day goes by where we aren't confronted with someone whose senseless lack of social harmony aggravates us and causes us to go into the darkest regions of our emotions. Where does this rage come from though? We get angrier at slow check out line customers than we do at genocides in foreign lands. I believe that it is not their action but their obliviousness that stirs our hatred and loathing. These people do not adhere to the same rules that we do. They are on a different plane where they think the rules to not apply to them. Then again, maybe the rules do not apply.
Descartes once said “I think there for I am”. What if the application of this truth is not as finite as we believe. Perhaps these inconsiderate fools are simply choosing to think they are outside the same social fabric that the rest of us are threads in? They act outside the boundaries we have become imprisoned in. When we see this callous disregard we feel outrage. Anger develops out of fear however so we must ask ourselves what we fear in the actions of these few rebels.
Their actions make us question our own actions. With our own actions in question we are tossed into the unknown ether of self-analysis. The unknown is notorious for in-sighting fear and panic which leads us quickly to frustration and animosity. We direct this animosity at the catalyst and express our selves with creative titling and hand gestures that have been dubbed “obscene”.
So it isn't simply an annoyance that drives us to anger, it is the fear of the unknown. If people can act outside what the majority consider acceptable then how can our precarious social structure survive? With that we are forced to confront chaos and anarchy. The aptly named idiots and morons of our world are a constant reminder that we are just one small step away from total social regression and we respond with our disdain. They make us constantly questions ourselves and our world. I salute them for their continued effort to broaden our thinking and force us to explore or basic emotions.
Wouldn't hurt if they took some driving classes though...